The most hurtful and damaging thing in my life is the feeling that I wasn't loved, appreciated and praised enough. Lately I have come to realize that I have done the same thing to all the wonderful children God has given me to enjoy.
First God gave me Brande and Travis. I want you two to know that I owe you so much. You have taught me what love is all about. It has taken me thirty years to realize what a gift you two are. Please forgive me for replacing you with your little brother. I realize now that I stopped putting you two first when I received this precious little boy. I was so excited to be a mother again, that I somehow forgot that I was still your mother too. I didn't realize how I pushed you aside and focused my attention on him. You never complained much about how I never saw any wrong in anything he did. Somehow my love was divided that day when it should have been multiplied. He had a pitiful excuse for a father and until now...I forgot that your father was never there for you either. I promise to try from this day forward to make that up to you if you will forgive me.
Jarett: I have shown you all the love I could all these years, but the part I am sorry for is that I have also depended on you for too much. I am sorry also for allowing you to see the worst parts of me. You have been the object of my mood swings at least once a month for twenty years. Bless you my little man for putting up with me at times when my crazy was all you could see. A woman often shows this part of her to the one she loves the most, and unfortunately for many years, since you have been stuck in the house with me...this has been shouldered secretly by you. Thank you for keeping my secret and never giving up on me. I promise to try from this day forward to be a mother you can be proud of, if you can forgive me.
God gave me another chance with another set of siblings. Although I did not carry this little boy and girl traditionally for 9 months in my womb, I have carried you in my heart for many years. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother figure to Spencer and Alexis. My mother never told me she loved me in my adult life. Maybe she did when I was small, but I don't remember hearing her say it to me...ever. I have always thought that was the reason I am often cold and distant. I have given you two food and shelter and a high school education, but not much more. I want to tell you that I love you guys and I want to give you so much more. I want to give all of you things that money can buy, but unless things change financially, there is little chance of that. I can however give you more encouragement and hugs and kisses than I have in the past. God knows you deserve it since he hasn't given you much else in the form of a parent. Believe me when I say I know how that feels.
If all of you will forgive me for always saying what I please without regard for others' feeling I promise to do my best to think before I speak in the future. I will (with your help and prayers) try to be more positive and uplifting instead of belittling, pessimistic and sarcastic. We have about 20 yrs to make up for and with the help of all my children I hope to learn to show the love I have kept bottled up inside for so long with my words and actions. The wall around me was built by my brain as a coping mechanism to protect me from getting hurt anymore. It was suppose to protect a little girl from harm, but all it has accomplished is hurting us all for many years. Enough of our lives have been wasted on me building this dark ugly spot I see in the mirror now. Please help me brighten your world the way you all have tried for so long to brighten mine.
It is not that I dont love you enough...its that I love you too much. I love you guys so much that it makes me vulnerable. I have learned not to allow my self to be exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed physically or emotionally. I have taught myself to harm others first before they can harm me. My coping mechanism (the wall, the hardened heart) has developed over the years as a result of constant pain and disappointment deriving specifically from the family I was born into. This protective shield has kept out a lot of hurts for me, but it has also kept me protected from the love my children could have showered me with. I will work on tearing down the wall I have spent 80% of my life building up to protect myself from being hurt by those who I hold dear. Please pray for us all as a family to help each other improve. I have been the strongest person around for so long that I am not sure if I know how to not be large and in charge, but I will try.
You have to be patient with me and work on telling me if I am not holding true to my promises. Just tell me in a more gentle way than the crude and unkind way I have always spoken to everyone. I am damaged. I am sensitive. I cry easily and believe it or not...I avoid confrontations. I have spent most of my life without anyone for me to lean on. I still have no one to share financial responsibilities with, I have always done it all, without asking for help from anyone. Because there has never been anyone for me to ask for help. Until now. I am asking for forgiveness and your help. Help me get to where I need to be so I can be happy again. I love you all and I know I can count on you to help me make a change in myself.
First, I need to get back to church. I am going to Timberlake Baptist starting Sunday June 16th and I want you to make every effort to join me.
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